You and Them

Self-esteem low can't help that.
Have moment when I'm up high,
then I'm brought back.
Feel that I am breaking slowly.
Inside I am taking things harder.
I take my gaze to the ceiling.
I have no idea what I'm feeling.
I'm going over me...

Another violence, my mother say nothing but silence.
See this is not me this isn't my family.
Go up high and stay.
Maybe I can keep it that way.
I hear whispers in the rain.
I'm going insane.

How much more can I take this,
before I break this.
I feel my life drain away and,
I can't even remember today.
I'm a loner, a loser in my mind.
I want to be someone else.
But I can't be anybody but myself.

When am I going to finally see?
I wait here patiently.
I'm fighting in my mind.
Fighting to not be left behind.
Living happy in my dreams are a tease.
And yet I can't help but still believe.
At night I beg for the nightmares to leave.

Try my best to open my eyes.
But do I want to wake up to face the lies?
I'm laying here vulnerable,
sleeping horrible.
In this moment I am breakable.
The nightmares come for me.

Why I even bother I wonder at times.
There's no point in it.
When all I feel like is shit.
You don't understand,
the person that I am.
I try to please everyone.
But in the end it doesn't matter.
I'm done trying to understand her.

You were right.
Look out for yourself.
Don't fight everyone else.
Do what makes you happy.
But I don't know what to do,
when lately I've been feeling crappy.
Because all I think about is you.

I'm sick of my family changing.
It's no fair he got stability.
All the rearranging. All the hostility.
They were there for him all the time.
They had excess to spare.
I say that I'll be fine, but do they even care.
That's a lie I know they do.
Maybe I'm just being selfish,
but maybe they are too.

There's no theme in this poem.
There is only you and them.
I'm writing what I'm feeling.
The feeling that I am condemned.
I can't be anymore than me.
There is only so much I can spare.
This is me and I don't really care.

This is an old poem I wrote and I think it deserves to be on here with my other poems, because It's time I don't think I'll ever forget.

Honestly this has to be one my all time favorite Tool songs. These guys are geniuses. the whole song is about the Fibonacci numbers, the beat is based on them. as is this whole CD. every ending note of each song corresponds to the next song. It makes me think so critically of the world we live in and the universe in general. But at the same time just how much we all think over critically instead of accepting a few things that are just that. I know that may not make make sense its not suppose to. "Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind. Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind." why must we stop at one answer for everything when in this life there are things that just have infinite possibilities. Dont box you're self in let your self out. "I'm reaching up and reaching out, I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me. And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been. We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been. "


Tool- Lateralus lyrics

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going, going...

This is my new song I'm still working on it but so far I'm really happy about it. I just wanted to type it out so it looks better.

I'm walking out to the pouring rain, Cold air runs through my open veins.
In this moment I'm alive and I'm so afraid,
I might lose my grip, in this moment I might fade away.
And as I'm walking the water seeps through my clothes.
I Can hardly feel the ache that whispers in my bones. And...

Deep inside of me I'm screaming out loud.
Dear God save me don't let me fall out.
Dear God send me an angel to keep me on this line.
Dear God tell me I'm OK that every things gonna be fine.

In this moment I'm having trouble telling the difference
between the dark and the light. It's all blinding me, its caught me.

I cannot tell who is real and who's trying to play me.
I'm in a grand scheme no control over me.
I'm just trying to get my life on track but,
its seems like every ones holding me back. And...

Deep inside of me I'm screaming out loud.
Dear God save me don't let me fall out.
Dear God send me an angel to keep me on this line.
I'm walking so closely. I'm hugging against the wall,
from the ever nearing edge its like a ghost its got me.
I'm losing my soul now can't take anymore no how.
I cannot breath its suffocating me.

I'm losing faith in myself and in everyone else.
Losing faith in you and in everything I do.
Dear God save me from myself.

Bad Day

Have you ever read the book called Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day well if you haven't you should. However it doesn't matter the name sums it up, everyone has had one of these days.

Today was Kaylee and terrible, horrible, no good, very bad half day I only say half day because at this moment I'm picking myself "up by the boot strap" as my grandpa would say. This morning started off terrible. Do you ever just get that inkling feeling in the pit of your stomach that just says, "Yea this isn't going to be a good day," right as you wake up? I woke feeling like that, and when I got to school it didn't get better.

As I'm walking I'm listening to Staind (one of my favorite bands) feeling the chill of the morning competing with the warmth of the sun. Then suddenly I just feel sick all over I try shrugging it off but then realize its my mind really reminding of something important. My feed/feedstuff worksheet is due tomorrow and I didn't finish, I need to call three companies and just get 2 pricings. Sounds easy enough right? WRONG!! I tried three and they all failed. I panicked.

To go to Bio or to go home and figure this out? Well lets see...My brain kicks in saying Well Kaylee you just totally bombed your last test what do you think you should do? However it seems like both hemispheres of my brain are working and have different opinons because the other side says, Dude if you don't get this done by 11 tomorrow you'll be screwed and get a big fat ZERO on your homework.

At this moment I realize that I'm not doing so well in all my classes as I should. It hits me like a semi truck....I'm failing.

I feel so low at this moment I just want to quit and go home and cry. This is where I call my mom and tell her everything and you know what she says? She says, Mija you can do it, if you can't do it just keep talking to your professor to help you, Don't worry. Get through this week then it'll be break and you'll feel better. Love you.

Times like these I'm so happy to have a mom like her to help push me. Thanks mom for everything. and Thanks to my friends who were concerned.

Break?

I have no idea what I should do for break. I thought I did, but now I'm not sure. The only sure thing I know of is the beach. What I really really want to do is go dive. I admit though I'm alittle afraid I haven't been in a while and lets just say I think I'm a little rusty. The only scary part is submerging and seeing if i can keep my self down and keep calm for the first 5 minutes. After that it's like being in a different world. I admit my first few dives weren't the best in the world but I'm determined to get my next where i can get great visibility.

I need to get my dive buddy up and go for a swim.

For Some Reason (Dreams)

O.K. to be honest I have some of the weirdest dreams and everyone always asks the same thing, "What are you eating before bed?!" Absolutely nothing.

I'm jet skiing out on the ocean I have no idea who's driving i just know I'm up and looking around. It's dark, overcast outside, I see a sign and for some reason it says Anacapa Island. I hear myself say Why the hell am I on Anacapa?! Suddenly I'm thrown off swimming to the deck or what looks like a deck. I climb aboard and find that it leads right into a big cave looking thing surrounded by huge green tropical mountains, Am I really on Anacapa? Looking down there are holes in the cave that go to the ocean that's underneath us for some reason. While I'm looking down I can see scuba divers through the clear blue-green water, I see the bubbles coming from their regulators up to the surface of where I am. Then out of nowhere some guy comes up and starts throwing sticks into the water, "What the hell are you doing man there are divers down their!" He just shrugs and walks away. Here's where it gets really weird.

Out of nowhere this cave that I'm in keeps going and where it should be more pitch blackness no it turns into a gigantic Cabellas (Sports Authority, Big 5) sporting goods store all geared towards ocean act ivies, mostly Diving. I'm looking around and for some reason my dad and brother show up and I'm asking "why are we here? why am I here? " My dad says that we are going scuba diving, Whooo great this is going to be f..... wait a minute. "Dad you and Angel don't know how too scuba dive," he just says "You can teach us." Right sure okay. I guess we are in this big store that's in a cave to get our gear. This dream is getting out of control. Angel begins walking around grabbing a black hood (the hood is the part that covers your head in cold waters) and I for some reason look at a neon green hood and I'm thinking I want this one but I don't want to stand out if there is a shark in the water but the waters aren't even cold enough for it. I start telling my dead we need regulators (the piece that allows you to breath), and BCDs (Buoyancy Compensators Devices), fins, goggles, AIR TANKS. My dad's like no we don't need all that, don't worry about. At first I'm okay. WAIT WE NEED THOSE THINGS TO BREATH!! OHHHH well... we go to the cash register with stuff that we're diving with (I still don't know how we'll breath haha) and then it gets a little more weird.

As we are getting ringed up I'm thinking well I guess this is better than going to Catalina by myself and cheaper (NOT!!) and a lot more fun. And for some reason Angel is flirting with the cashier girl and helping her ring us up. Seriously this guy is behind the counter and taping on the register flirting all the way all the while he's saying, "I'm a manager at my work I know how to do this." Dude you're a manager at a pizza restaurant what are you talking about?! You're a pizza guy step away from the register. Well my dad ends up showing me the bill and for some reason, he's really excited about it being $500. I don't know why I wasn't. Keep in mind that's about maybe alil less of what it would cost for just me in reality, but for 3 people that's amazingly unbelievable then again we are scuba diving without BCD's and regulators hence this is a dream.

Abnormally Cold

I am so cold that my breath comes out as frost.
I thought I left from the cold to the warmth but,
I'm beginning to see that's just not the case.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's all a trick.
Then again maybe it's because I'm getting sick.

Try and think of warm thoughts. Thoughts of
big fuzzy blankets, hot tea, being bundled up
feeling all comfy. Okay I think I'm losing feeling
to my feet. I think they are becoming ice blocks.
Maybe I'm just exaggerating. Maybe I should wear
double socks. Then again maybe I should consider ice skating.

Leaving this room should be a good idea right?
Guess not, not if I know I'm going to another just
as cold or colder. I might be so cold to consider not
going to class. No, not true. As much as I'd like to be
warm and dreaming I'm afraid I'll just have to keep on freezing.